At the Other Side was Still More Anger & Despair

Who knew that I would wind up angrier still, even free.  Even feeling better generally.  So much better…

This came out in a rush of tears and rage.  It’s unfortunate that it rhymes at the end but it is what it is and I needed to put it somewhere… Cast it out and free myself of it so here it is.  It’s short and pretty silly really but here it is…

 

__________

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck your sadness. Fuck your tears 12 years too late.  Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.  I am so sick of being angry.  There is a hole at the centre of me so wide and deep that the only thing that holds me together some days is my skin.  My thin, thin, thin fucking skin.  And I loathe myself for letting you but you dug that hole and you wore down that skin so fuck you.  Just fuck you.  Fuck your tears 12 years too late.  Fuck the fact that you taught me to hate.  Hate myself and hate you.

An Expression of Self-Pity

I would watch hockey for someone who really loved me.
(I hate watching hockey)
I would try eating green curry again
(Green curry makes me feel like I’ve been burned alive
and then covered in liquid nitrogen)
I would dance naked.
I would be a better housekeeper.
I would fly across a continent and into another country.
(Oh, wait, I did that and it turned out
he didn’t really love me)
I would be my best self, my most loving
and generous self
for someone who really loved me.
I would move halfway around the world leaving
everything and everyone I know
for someone who really loved me.
(Oh, wait, I already did that and it turned out he
doesn’t know how to love me)